Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
