you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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