I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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