Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
