I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
