I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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