Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
