I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
