3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
