I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
