margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
