I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
