Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
