i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize