if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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