Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize