I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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