I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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