never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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