There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
