Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
