if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
How's work?
Spinning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
