Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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