I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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