i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
