I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
