She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
