I wish I could teleport
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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