I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I didn't notice because vodka
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
