: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize