He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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