I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Couch. On fire.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
