I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
