The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
