Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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