it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
honey bunches of taint.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
