I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
