we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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