I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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