Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
