Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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