You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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