I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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