I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
