I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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