Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
