new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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