he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
