The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
