The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
