i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
