There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
