i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
