Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
