Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
