why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
