It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
